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My Vagina Doesn’t Like the Bush

I had the well known Well Woman exam today. I usually talk myself into thinking it won't be that bad, but it's always worse than I expected.

First of all, peeing in a cup, I fucking hate it. Women were not made to pee in cups. It's one of the most frustratingly ridiculous things I've ever done. It's even worse when you don't have to pee, and you sit there for like five minutes trying to accumulate enough urine to make a sample. I can't speak for all women, but it's also really hard to figure out where to position the cup. The whole thing pisses me off, no pun intended.

So I didn't have to pee this morning and had to explain to the nurse why there wasn't very much urine in my sample. I almost scooped up some toilet water into the cup just so I would have something to offer her.

But I assure you, peeing in a cup was the least of my problems.

I have lumpy boobs. It's true. They are small and disproportionate and lumpy. I know you're supposed to do monthly breast exams to yourself to make sure there aren't any abnormalities, and I've tried to before, but there are so many little lumps in mine. It freaked me out every time I tried to do a self exam, because I'd find a lump and think it was cancer. I had to tell my doctor all of this, because she asked. Then she gave me a pamphlet about how to do self exams.

Next came the ultra fun part. Not really.

The duck bill thingy they stick up my vagina usually doesn't bother me so much. It's really just the situation that bothers me. Scooting down to the very end of the table so I'm almost falling off. Putting my feet in those stirrups so that my vagina and ass are right in the doctor's face. The invasiveness of the whole procedure.

I really have to remove myself from the situation in order to feel comfortable.

It's not my vagina. It's not my body.

I hate the small talk with the nurse.

Nurse: Oh, I love your toenail polish!

Me: Thanks.

Nurse: I painted mine bright orange the other day.

Me: Oh.

Nurse: I love bright colored polish.

Me: Neat.

I know she's just trying to be nice, but who wants to discuss toenail polish during this whole thing?

And then there comes the time when the doctor finds something wrong, and I can tell by the look on her face. She'll say something about it very casually so she doesn't upset me, but I know it could be much worse than she's letting on.

Doctor: You're bleeding a little.

Me: Oh?

She pushes around on my lower stomach and inside around my ovaries.

Doctor: Is there any tenderness or pain here?

Me: Yes.

She looks worried, but all she says is that she'll have the test results in two weeks and she'll call me if there's a problem.

Why do those offices have to be so cold?


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