Sidetracked



“Now dammit, look here, all of you, we all must admit that everything is fine and there’s no need in the world to worry, and in fact we should realize what it would mean to us to understand that we’re not really worried about anything…”

Losing control in front of people is humiliating. If it happens in private you can go on pretending everything is okay.
It's hard to explain.
I fell down front first Thursday night. As I fell my head flew back and my chin landed square on the rough gray carpet.

Convulsions took over and as I shook I thought about how my chin hurt. I guess I'm lucky I didn't land face down. I could have broken my nose. But it only lasted a few seconds and I got back up and sat down on the front porch, waiting for Shelley and Bonny to arrive so I could explain.

I didn't want to alarm anyone. I don't want people to worry. I do enough worrying. I did want someone to take care of me and tell me it was going to be alright.

They showed up and I told them what happened. Shelley led me into the apartment and as we stood there the room started to tilt and swirl again.

"I need to sit down," I said.

I could see Bonny standing in the corner, looking at me with fear or concern or both.

"You're really pale," she said.

As my body shook again, I remember thinking how stupid this was. I'm not a sick person.

Shelley guided me to bed, and I sat there and cried. She wiped away my tears, helped me get ready for bed and didn't leave me alone.
The following morning I went to the doctor. The nurse drew a couple of vials of blood, and the doctor told me they would be checking my electrolyte levels among other things. I stayed calm while I explained what happened and listened to her thoughts. The up side is she doesn't think I'm epileptic; the down side is she doesn't know what's wrong and won't know until my test results come back. She scheduled an EEG to make sure everything in my brain is normal. That won't happen until the 22nd.
I know that what happened Thursday night was something serious, but I'm trying to stay positive. Maybe it's just that my anemia is getting worse and I need to take more milligrams of iron.

But it doesn't feel like it really happened to me. If it wasn't for the swollen bump on the bottom of my chin, I could pretend this was a dream.
I feel okay now, so don't worry.

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